The Ocean Agency

The Internet has brought us so much good: instant communication across the globe, a new way to do business, a new way to converse and a plethora of new ways to procrastinate. I mean, before the advent of the Internet, was anyone able to spend hours looking at cats? Or hipsters? Or people at Wal-Mart? (Now I feel like anyone who reads this thinks I spend hours looking at cats, hipsters and people at Wal-Mart … and, umm … well, what do you do that’s so interesting?)

It has also given us the ability to have our questions answered by total strangers, anywhere, at any time. Any question. Taking a quick glance at Wiki Answers gives us a few ideas of how far we’ve progressed with the most magnificent tool of the this past century.

Here are some of the best unanswered questions.

The offhanded elegance of this question is what strikes me the most.

I can’t help but imagine what situation one might find himself in which this would be a problem. A dark alley, man walks up with a trenchcoat: “Yo, yo over here man.” Opens the coat to display dingy vials of Big Red Soda … a dark room with rotting hard wood floors and a few bean bag chairs spilling their white pellets … Where does one get this much Big Red Soda? And how does one come to the conclusion that this might be a problem? I want to meet this man. I want to shake his hand. I want to take his blood-sugar levels.

That really depends on its genetic make-up and molecular structure. So … umm … no, just … no. If it were, it’d be in stores next to the fat-free lard. I think Big Red Soda is though, so you can have a go at that if you find the right dark alley.

Healthy lung cancer can run at least five miles in the snow along Lake Michigan. Disease lung cancer is a much bigger fan of smoking, drinking and chugging down Big Red Soda.

This guy’s got a night planned ahead of him. Apparently, everyone is out to push their stomach linings and kidney prowess to the limit. I wonder if this is the same dude whose trying to overdose on Big Red. The best advice I have is don’t eat it in powdered form. That could get messy.

This one isn’t particularly funny in and of itself. But take a closer look at the category it’s under. “Death and dying.” This takes emo to a new level.

It means that wasn’t regular tea.

Not if she wants to avoid being struck by lightning. I mean, I suppose she can … but will she? That seems to be the more pertinent question for this poster to be asking.

Eleanor Roosevelt.

Oh, that’s perfectly natural. Especially if you are overdosing on powered gelatin, Big Red Soda and gluten-free gluten (I think they call that one “rice”). Or actually swallowing magnets. I wonder how long this poor poster waited for an answer before seeing a doctor or taking some pepto.

Yes. With questions like these being asked from all corners of the States, sure. It’s perfectly normal. In fact, I think I’d be confused if you weren’t walking around with a headache. That’s just the feeling of your brain knocking against your skull.

Ahh, the Internet.

It has the power to bring us together in ways we never before thought possible. Of course, it has amazing benefits as well. The amount of information at our fingertips … the ability to connect with one another … the endless hours of entertainment … the easiest way to find out what time the game is on (and who won) … the shopping … the fill in here makes the Internet truly a goldmine, just waiting to be completely discovered. And it will spread like wildfire.

Once something is on the Internet, the whole world can see it. Can learn from it. Can absorb it.

So dig in. Anything you could want is there.